On Dumpsters and Downsizing: Reflections on Parent-Child Conflict

Her daughter threatened to get a dumpster and throw everything away.

The woman had attended my presentation about downsizing. She looked at me imploringly, seeking answers for how to deal with her daughter, who was not satisfied with her mother's progress. 

When your kids are invested in helping you downsize to a smaller place or move into a senior community, for them it's about the nuts and bolts: how can they help you get it done as quickly and efficiently as possible? They may be concerned that you can't keep up with all that's needed in your current home or that you need care for your safety, feeling anxious until you've transitioned to your new community.

But for you it's about choosing the items you need to be happy, healthy and comfortable in the next season of your life. And to do that, you have to wade through a lifetime of belongings. It's important to allow time to sort through all the emotions and process all the changes. 

What to do when these two approaches clash? It can be helpful to have a plan for how to approach the transition. It might be productive to work on that plan together so you're both on board, understanding all that needs to be done and the expected timeframes.

If your kids don't have the patience to help you sort through stuff and make decisions -- or if you don't want them to help -- perhaps they can tackle some of the concrete items on your list, such as delivering donations or setting up utilities. For the purging process, you might find it helpful to work with a friend or professional who doesn't have emotional ties to your belongings.

Life transitions such as a downsizing move can be fraught with conflict, especially when "To Do" lists are long and energy is depleted. It is always easier if you've allowed sufficient time for the process and aren't running into shorter-than-expected deadlines. Start the process early, well before it's time to move. Allowing ample time and making the decision to lead the change for yourself will give you a better sense of control and reduce how overwhelmed you feel.

Take care of yourself through it all. Keep your eye on the reasons you're downsizing and what you're looking forward to once the move is done. Do what you can to nurture the relationships that are special to you. They are so much more important than the stuff.